Where I Belong

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love knowing that I am in the right place in my life.

I have always known that I wanted to work with children in some way as my career for much of the rest of my life. I've also pretty much always wanted to work in health care. Working at a daycare for two years has helped to reassure my thoughts by showing me that I really do love working with kids. While I haven't always known to what extent I want to work with kids, I am pretty sure I want to work in a hospital. Also, while I know that my choice may change by the time I graduate, right now I really believe that I want to work in oncology (which means cancer). I have had some interest in this for about the past 4 years, but what really pushed me to believe that's what I was called to do was something that happened this past Thanksgiving time. As many know, St. Jude's Childrens Hospital often has commercials around this time with celebrities campaigning for donations to be made to help fund research to cure childhood cancer. They always share stories of kids whose lives have been changed drastically for the better because of getting to come to St. Judes. Many of these children come from other states outside of Tennessee. There was a program on for a few hours one night around Thanksgiving that was showing a lot of these stories of these AMAZING kids. While I was watching this I couldn't stop crying. I just want to make that kind of difference in someone's life some day. I would love some child to say, "I was feeling so down on life, but this person really made me feel like it was going to be ok and I'm grateful for her being in my life." Maybe that's selfish of me, but the fact that I could not stop crying during this program and these stories really showed me that this is my calling.

Then today I was watching Oprah. I know, right. Everyone watches Oprah and is "forever changed" by her program. But it's not that kind of thing. I mean it could have been Montel for all I care or Maury or whoever. It was the kids on that show and their stories. The title of the show was "Six Years Later: The Children of September 11". The kids were talking about how they sometimes get upset that people say on this date "Oh, how are you doing? Today is the anniversary of your dad/mom's death," but really they live the pain every day. It's not like they go on living a happy life and all of a sudden it's September 11th and "oh, I feel sad today". They lost a parent, half of their life. For some of them it was the only parent they had and then they lost them. So I'm watching the show and the kids are sharing stories about how they remember their parent and how they help their siblings remember. Again, I started crying. I couldn't help it. So I get myself over it and go on about my day. A few hours later, I'm talking to my mom telling her about all these kids. There's one story in particular I was sharing with her and I kept stopping because I could feel it coming on. She looks over at me and says, "You look like you're about to cry just talking about this." And I'm just like "Yeah, whatever." You know, trying to keep it together. Well, I go on and I barely make it through the story and just lose it. The story was these two sisters were age enough apart that they were attending different schools at the time. The one who I am assuming is the older of the two says how she found out that her father had died. The school administration had called some students down who they believed/knew were affected by the plane crashes, however they failed to think about the fact that there were pilots on those planes and those pilots have families too. These girls' father was a pilot of one of the flights that crashed (I believe they said his was one that went into one of the towers). Well, the girl was told with the rest of the school what happened. Then a little later was called down to the office and sees her mom sitting there. She figured something had to be wrong, but still didn't really know what. Well she ended up finding out and whatever. So then she and her mother go to her sister's school. Her sister had no idea what was going on. Is called down to the office and she sees her mom and sister down there crying, but still doesn't know what's going on but figures it has to be something with her dad because he's not there and her mom and sister are. So she asks where her dad is or what's wrong or something and they tell her that her dad is HURT. So she says she's just thinking he's hurt, he's in the hospital getting treated, but he'll be fine. So she says "That's ok, he's going to be ok though. When's he coming home?" And only then did her mom tell her, "He's not coming home. He's not coming home." That's when I start crying. Like, yes, the story is so sad, but what gets me is that (given her age now) she was obviously old enough to understand the concept of death and to understand what was going on had someone told her. I started crying saying "Why didn't they just tell her he died? Why did they tell her he was hurt? Don't they know it's so much worse to tell her he's hurt and have her find out later that you lied?" It was crazy. So after all this, I get myself calmed down again and my mom tells me, "I know for sure that you are going into the right field. You are so perfect for pediatrics."

I love hearing this. I love knowing that I am choosing the right thing. I love feeling like I am truly following my calling. It's not about money. It's about love. It's about passion. It's about fitting perfectly.

Just to clear a few things up, I'm not a huge crier. Well, I kind of am, but its not about things that you would expect me to cry at. I cry at this story on Oprah. I cry at the kids who have these wonderful stories from St. Judes. I cry at the movie Catch & Release. I don't cry at funerals. Now, don't go thinking I'm weird. What it is is that someone once taught me the most amazing thing. Funerals should not be sad, they should be a celebration. It should be a time that you know this person has lived the best life they could have and it was just their time to go. Especially if this was a person who knew God, because they are now with Him living forever in eternity in the greatest kingdom of all. Those who are sad don't understand this or don't know God. So this is why I don't cry at funerals. I feel sad that I no longer have that person to see in my life, but I know they are still there watching over me and with me all the time.

Ok, so song time now. When I started this entry, I was hearing this song in my head (hence the matching titles). I know this song is not EXACTLY about what I'm talking about, but it gets the point across.

Where I Belong - Rachel Proctor

I've wished a million wishes on a big empty sky.
And I've spent too many endless nights alone,
Wondering if I was broken and why everything felt so wrong,
And where do I belong?

I see beyond the end of time when I look into your eyes.
It's so much bigger than this life and everything's right.
I feel so (So.) safe (Safe.), safe as a child in your arms:
This is where I belong.

I've seen my share of troubles,
Oh, tears I've shed in vain.
I watched my dreams crumble,
But all along the way, someone heard me pray.

The house is quiet now and my, my heart is full.
And all the ones I love lay fast asleep and I am complete.
I turn out the lights and I whisper: "Goodnight."
And I know, this is where I belong.
This is where I belong.

And I now decided given my last few comments that I should also share this song. It's one that makes me cry every time I hear it because the first time I ever heard it happened to be the same day that I found out my great-great-great aunt died.

Room With a View (Carolyn Dawn Johnson)

They gave you a corner room on the fifth floor
The city lights were like candy to a kid in a store
Like a king you'd lay in your bed so statefully
So thankful they gave you a room with scenery
You always were so healthy, so full of life
So seeing you so helpless just didn't seem right
And how you kept your head so high I'll never know
I guess you knew you had a better place to go
Now...

You've got a room with a view
A window to the world
You always had your sights set high
And now that you're gone
Your memory lives on
And I see you smiling in my mind
With angels as visitors dropping by
Your room with a view

I'll always miss you
I'll always feel the loss
I have to remind myself that you're better off
I gotta believe even through these tears of mine
Wherever you are there's a sun that always shines
And...

You've got a room with a view
A window to the world
You always had your sights set high
And now that you're gone
Your memory lives on
And I see you smiling in my mind
With angels as visitors dropping by
Your room with a view

With angels as visitors dropping by
Your room with a view

Ok, so I'm in a MAJOR song mood right now. There's this other song that makes me thing about the St Judes thing. Again, I often cry when I hear this song (especially if I'm singing along) because it makes me think of so many children lost so young and how hard it must me.

Streets Of Heaven  (Sherrie Austin)

Hello God, it's me again. 2:00 a.m., Room 304.
Visiting hours are over, time for our bedside tug of war.
This sleeping child between us may not make it through the night.
I'm fighting back the tears as she fights for her life.
Well, it must be kind of crowded,
On the streets of Heaven.
So tell me: what do you need her for?
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.
But right now I need her so much more.
She's much too young to be on her own:
Barely just turned seven.
So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?

Tell me God, do you remember the wishes that she made,
As she blew out the candles on her last birthday cake?
She wants to ride a pony when she'd big enough.
She wants to marry her Daddy when she's all grown up.

Well, it must be kind of crowded,
On the streets of Heaven.
So tell me: what do you need her for?
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.
But right now I need her so much more.
She's much too young to be on her own:
Barely just turned seven.
So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?

Lord, don't you know she's my angel
You got plenty of your own
And I know you hold a place for her
But she's already got a home
Well I don't know if you're listenin'
But praying is all that's left to do
So I ask you Lord have mercy, you lost a son once too

And it must be kind of crowded,
On the streets of Heaven.
So tell me: what do you need her for?
Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.
But right now I need her so much more.
Lord, I know once you've made up your mind,
There's no use in beggin'.
So if you take her with you today, will you make sure she looks both ways,
And would you hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven.

The streets of Heaven.